A Pervert Reviews Mark Kern's Terrible Girl Fight Smut

A forty three year old man writing fanfiction about Baywatch celebrities is as bad as you think it is.

Mark Kern is a human dumpster fire.

Wait, that’s probably unfair. Maybe something closer to a Cybertruck filled with human feces that has had a battery-related explosion. Inside of him is nothing other than rot and filth — he is a wholly venal, cruel, sadistic bully who brings nothing to the world other than hatred, and his titty mecha game will never come out because, like Elon Musk, he is a terrible project manager and has no skills to speak of. He is not a malignant force in video games — he’s a malignant force on life itself, a bigoted narcissist who abuses people and pretends to care about Stellar Blade just long enough to separate you from your money.

But you don’t need me to say that. We’ve known it for a decade, and he’s been on this anti-woke grind for at least as long. But thanks to the sleuthing of a certain youtuber, we got a special taste of just what Mark’s been doing with his money and free time while pretending to do game dev.

Mark isn’t just a failed game developer, he’s also a tax cheat and a pornographer. If you give him money for a video game, know that it will not go to that. You will die before he releases anything, and he’s too obsessed with his childish dream of ‘Warcraft with gundams’ to pivot into making a Girl Fight or Rumble Roses successor like he wants.

But one thing stuck out at me at the archive dump of original character fanart and server whois results. Mark didn’t just host this stuff on Foxy Fighter, some of it was sent to other websites. Including catfight smut he wrote for other websites. Girl on girl violence erotica. Misogynistic erotica.

Does anyone see that bat-symbol in the sky? Because it sure seems like my talents are needed!

Preamble

A little ground rules on this desiccated turd’s writing first. For one thing, I’m not going to judge any of this as misogynistic right out of the gate. Erotic suffering of women can always be viewed as ‘misogynistic’ given, well, you know, but the perverted women who want to be roughed up would probably object to that description. BDSM isn’t some hateful, vile misogyny, it’s a cooperative roleplay between consenting adults. Likewise, women getting slapped or punched for sexual thrills inside and outside of fiction doesn’t necessarily mean Issues With Women. Much like all kinky sex, the intention (successful or otherwise) is to ride a line of fun without going over.

So I’m not going to shame people into this stuff. I find catfight (meaning, girl fights that turn sexual and lesbian) super corny and silly, but I imagine a lot of them think bimbo transformation is too, so hey, fair is fair. And I’m lightly familiar with catfights — that episode of Seinfeld where Elaine’s coworker stalks her and no one takes it seriously is prepped in the background as I’m writing this.

As I understand, the appeal is in two women doing physical violence to each other in a sexual way. So we’re looking at a lot of sexualized violence, lots of pretty girls beating on breasts and labias and scratching and hair pulling, maybe with some making out. Okay, can do. I’ve done ryona fiction, I can adapt to this.

With that in mind, let us begin to crack into this stuff with an open mind and a fair eye. And if that sounds boring, oh don’t worry, Mark’s writing is really fucking terrible.

But first:

THERE IS ABSOLUTELY GOING TO BE SOME PRETTY GRAPHIC DEPICTIONS OF MISOGYNISTIC VIOLENCE SO YOU SHOULD SKIP TO THE CONCLUSION SEGMENT IF YOU ARE SQUEAMISH

So let’s get started.

“It All Starts with A Kiss”

Summary: College girl ‘Debbie’ gets pulled onto the stage at a strip club by her friend/girlfriend, they do a little show together. Later at the same club they engage in fake mud wrestling that turns into fucking on stage. Yes, ‘Debbi-Chan’ is in fact Kern’s author nome de plume, do with that info what you will.

My thoughts: Really, really ameteurish. I’ve gotten hotter under the collar from Yakuza cutscenes of shirtless men fighting. Beyond the thin premise and total lack of heat behind it, it’s also just sloppy writing. For one, I have no idea what the characters relationship is, and they are immediately grinding on the pole together and making out. So…they’re a couple now? Were they always? You said ‘girlfriend,’ so…who is this person?

There’s also that Kern has just godawful prose and a terrible grasp of the English language. Take this for example;

For one thing, Kern, that’s not what ‘bump and grind’ means, and if it is what you mean, then that’s not what strippers do on poles. There’s also the stiff prose, like, “First of all, I was aroused. Second…” or “lit by the lights and tracked by the eyes.” This is marginally better than Peggy Hill.

Bad descriptions too. It’s just the usual horny fascination with curves, curves, curves.

The most important things on a woman — thighs, hair, and giant tits. We will not be looking at the face, stomach, body language, or expression. Moving on!

Bad sex too. There’s an uncomfortable lack of bluntness in the physicality, the telltale sign of a bashful pervert who hasn’t gotten over his cringe. He’s still describing things he looks at in porno, not actually how to paint a picture for the reader. Nothing about flushed faces or gasping mouths or dilated pupils, it’s all ‘fucking her pussy with my nipples,’ and no I don’t know how that works.

You even get the insufferable cliche of literalizing orgasms, like, “Mmmmmmmmmmmm!” Is ten ‘m’s enough for cumming? Should be more, right?

You can call a lot of things ‘lovemaking,’ but you absolutely cannot call whipped cream lesbian wrestling sex that.

All in all, inoffensive, but also very poor. I’m almost endeared by how adolescent it reads.

“Nikki vs Suzi”

Summary: Girlfighter Nikki has a fight with Suzi. She and the referee Eileen have a quick fuck before she heads out to her match. Fight goes south when Suzi gains the upper hand, pulls an illegal weapon, and beats her with it, but then Nikki goes Hulk and wins anyway.

My thoughts: Holy hell, this one’s rough. My eyes are glazing over at the lesbian fuck scenes. There’s more body parts on women than the breasts, my dude.

And more of that awful, awful prose. Kern does not understand what words mean:

‘Sensibilities’? Do you mean ‘senses’, Mark?

He also does not know what a run on sentence is:

I like boobs too, you can put that in another sentence and give them special attention. Again, bad body descriptions with nothing about faces, poise, outline, or physique, and we’re dealing with professional fighters. Mark is clearly too horny to write and very, very lazy, so whatever he finished is ‘good enough’ so he can move onto the next thing before he has to think on his prose’s failings.

The fight starts. Again, boring. No rise and fall, it’s just them taking turns like a jRPG while pummeling each other’s breasts.

Occasionally I feel embarrassed when I upload a blog post or story and notice that I write something like “her hair was long and curled down her back. Her back was straight…” And here’s Mark Kern saying the word “hair” like ten times in a row.

And then the story takes a baffling and violent turn. Nikki tried to smuggle a bat into the arena and the ref waved her to discard it. This asks the question, ‘I thought there was no rules in the ring,’ but whatever. Kern is typing one handed.

Well, then this happens:

(THIS IS THAT MISOGYNISTIC VIOLENCE I WARNED YOU ABOUT THIS IS WHERE IT STARTS TO GET WEIRD)

I’m not squeamish when it comes to violence but I have to admit, swerving this story about titty twisters and hair pulling in the professional wrestling ring into shattering a helpless woman’s leg with a wooden bat — like, actually breaking her leg — actually made my stomach twist a little bit. Like holy shit dude what

She recuperates somehow and manages to strike back and get the upper hand, though how I have no idea, and then starts pummeling her. The story then ends on this:

This is that kind of shitty writing when you don’t know how to end a story, so the third act twist is ‘someone takes it too far’ and ‘what have I become,’ which I have to say is very confusing considering how much cunt-punching and breast-stomping happens in this tale about professional wrestlers.

And again, I know it doesn’t matter but I have to ask again — what on earth is the rules of this wrestling show where you can shatter someone’s hip and not get disqualified?

Carmen Electra vs Donna D’Errico

Summary: Baywatch actresses contextlessly beat each other up on the beach.

Yep.

My thoughts: Tedious and boring. Kern clearly didn’t bother with any sort of build up or scene setting of having these women fight so it just comes off like, again, a porn video Mark imagined and put to figurative paper.

Even if you like catfights, I can’t imagine this being anything other than corny.

So these women want to brawl each other, because…they get off on it, and also they don’t like each other? But…they also rub nipples together? Again, this is that porno logic where no one has a character, they just are here to do a job and vanish later. Violence in a story doesn’t mean anything without a character behind it, and boy does this shit just glaze over your eyes.

Instead we’re treated to ‘Kern thinks it’s hot.’

Nothing says gripping sensual friction like playing your ass like the bongos. Or how about more baffling breast competition and nipple stabbing?

Story ends with the victor declaring that the competition was over who got to stay on the show and who would have to quit. Oh! Well, okay, glad we found that out after.

Terrible! No focus, weirdly violent, and zero characterization. It could’ve been a pair of identical Barbie dolls for all that the names mattered.

“Affair of Honor”

Summary: Two french aristocrats in old Paris get into a physical altercation over rumors one spread about the other. My brain is falling asleep trying to remember what happens amid all the fighting but one of their servants interrupts the fight with a sneak attack and the other is sent home as the loser.

My thoughts: The most focus Kern’s ever shown by making it an actual story with a setup, payoff, and conclusion. Still pretty terrible, in that way where horny writers delving into fetishes can’t help themselves.

Sending a woman to violence with an untrue accusation would be fine, but no, Mark needs you to know she’s a complete whore. Again, this is erotic fiction and I don’t want to assume things about the writer, but also dude come on.

I ostensibly like the premise. Old timey brawls can be fun, especially when it’s secretly vicious upper class ladies pulled into violence. All those puffy skirts would make for a fun fight too, you can see some grabbing and clawing and pulling and struggling. And since they’re both mannered women, maybe there’s some social customs they break by flying into a violent rage.

Ooooooooooooor not, okay. Just get them right into their sexy underwear so there’s absolutely no buildup or tension before we get to nipple wrenching and violent pussy fingering. I don’t want to call it porn brained but seriously, even for a guy knowing we’re here to see some girl fight, this is so lazy and obvious.

The lady orders her servant away, and we get some spicy trash talk;

The cruelest insult in the English language — calling someone Italian. Mark, you have gone too far this time.

Again, godawful fight scenes. Mark does not know how to choreograph or direct or describe a fight, so we get this eternal swing of “Jacqueline did this, so Colette did this, so Jacqueline did this.” It’s like watching a nine year old describe a fight he saw on WWE, and about as erotic.

This isn’t fun because not only is the fighting stiff and boring to read, it keeps on losing track of where you are by reminding you how hot the women are. This totally disrupts the flow he doesn’t even have to ogle heaving breasts and luscious hair.

This is not hot! Reminding people your characters are sexy is boring, it’s like waving an action figure in front of your face and talking about the accessories they come with. I’m reading a story, tell me who they are! Wait, no, nevermind, I don’t want to hear about what a slovenly whore every female character is anymore.

The fight escalates until they’re on the floor fingering each other — of course. The protagonist starts to lose, which leads to this incredible sentence.

For the rest of my life, no matter how much smut I read and write, I will always remember the words, “holding onto her pussy and anus like a bowling ball.” You just know this stupid, cruel, bald, unlikable fascist was so, so proud of that line too, hunched over his keyboard like the middle aged cave ogre he is.

Anyway, we get a little femdom torture, and it’s actually kind of decent for once!

Hey, here we go! The rage and hatred turning into dominance that exposes some kind of secret lust! Now we’re talking! Mark you’re actually doing it, you’re writing some real smut! There’s personalities interacting, seeking power and control over the situation!

But Mark can’t help himself, and the maid from earlier comes up and ambushes the antagonist, so they start roughing her up together, and we’re right back to deeply terrible and uncomfortably violent brutalization of women.

Again, bearing in mind this is fetish smut for perverts, and trying very very hard to understand that this on some level is the gender-flipped version of when dudes have women in heels stomp on their balls, this is really, really bad.

It is twice as embarrassing to use cutesy, flowery terms like “love lips” while executing brutal misogynistic violence. If you are trying to write this kind of thing on purpose, your prose has to reflect the violence that it is. Mark does not do that; he can’t, because he’s ashamed of what he’s doing. So we get this weird dissonance where Mark Kern, Mr. Foxy Fighter Dot Com, is telling you about this nasty bit of girl-girl violence he imagined, and he’s stammering and blushing and avoiding eye contact. You’re a pornographer, dude! Say this shit with your chest!

A lot of consensual nonconsent smut falls victim to this — you’re there to read about a woman being subjected to a horrific crime, you have to actually talk about it like the crime it is. Trying to soften it with pretty words comes off like minimizing what is actually happening, which makes you feel worse for reading it, not better.

And again, ‘aim for the clit’? Kicking a vagina open with the toe of your shoes? Even if you like catfights, this has to feel like we’ve hurtled light years beyond girls scratching and wrestling one another and into just torture porn, right?

Anyway, (Shao Khan voice):

The big finishing move is that they wrench her legs apart and stomp on her clit while using the heel to fuck her. This literally does not make any sense but yeah okay fine neither does blueberry inflation, whatever.

The problem, as always, is that this erotic torture is making me both bored and annoyed. It’s presented clinically, like a bad story told by a terrible liar, full of incoherent tone and odd details. This leads to hilarious moments like where he describes the torture process they subject Jacqueline to, given all the passion and intensity of an Excel spreadsheet, and buttons on that it lasted “about five minutes.”

Colette must have a tremendous sense of time, or maybe a grandfather clock somewhere in the room.

The lady and her maid then head off to fuck, presumably because she’s such a slut and it turned her to beat on someone on because what else does Mark do with female characters other than brutalize them and call them sluts.

CONCLUSION

I mean it’s fucking terrible, top to bottom. Short erotic fiction should be punchy, quick, and intense, like an impromptu romp in a bed with a hookup. Memorable and thrilling and over too soon, leaving you wanting more. Kern’s is both stupidly long and deeply boring, and by the time you’re done the faceless women beating each other has faded into a bland mist of mundanity. Minus, of course, the shocking bursts of female violence.

It’s totally unfair to judge a non-writer based on short stories he wrote a decade ago, when he still had hair on his head and could see his penis. But even with that, his short little lesbian ryona stories sure don’t seem to imply good things. You can kick a pussy or wrench a nipple in a piece of fiction, I’m not going to care. But stomping on both until it draws blood, over and over, for literal minutes, presented as flatly as a police report, feels like a form of escalation after something as inoffensive and endearingly cringe as “With A Kiss.”

Do I think something happened in his life that sent him to obsess over mutilating female anatomy? Being fired from Red5, his divorce, some kind of custody battle? Or did his fetish simply evolve and this was the place it landed, without any of the skills of a pen to make them palatable? I have no idea, and Mark is so brain-rotted from hanging out with irony-poisoned groypers I doubt he could tell me either.

All I know, is this; Mark Kern is a goulish little narcissist and the second the hilarious news about his secret porn life dropped he screamed like a banshee and claimed his life was in danger and that the wokes were trying to kill him. He even bragged he was going to call the FBI on the bastards who did this to him. Presumably Trump’s new FBI appointee would overlook the tax fraud in pursuit of making sure Mark’s hurt feelings are soothed.

More than his writing being terrible, Mark Kern is the worst kind of creative — a scared, insecure one. All that matters in this world is making sure he is never subjected to embarrassment, fear, or interrogation. People like this cannot create, because every attempt to point out creative weaknesses sends them into a panic and shame spiral.

Does a man like that resent and loathe women for the attention he craves but the vulnerability that scares him? Well, I dunno, you tell me. How does Mark talk to girls on twitter who have an OnlyFans?

I have full faith that, even without the reporting on his time at Red5 Studios and Blizzard, Mark Kern is an incompetent and insecure boss, terrified of taking responsibility and desperate to shift blame. All that matters to a guy like him is comforting his ego, and assuring himself, no Mark, you’re great. You’re fighting the wokies and winning. You’re making video games great again. Everyone loves what you’re doing. You don’t need to change anything. People just hate you because they’re jealous.

But sure, Emb8r is going to be great.